after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
