remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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