this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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