so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
