I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You're a waste of cheezeits
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
