i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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