Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
