In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
