my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
