Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
