i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
