you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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