I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize