matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize