I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
