There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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