apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
