dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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