we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
is wine microwaveable?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You are a genius and a whore.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize