We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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