Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
