the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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