I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
