I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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