it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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