Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
