seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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