i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
third nipple confirmed
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
