woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
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