Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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