I wish my penis had an off switch
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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