now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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