I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
