Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
