I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I want to be your penis for a week.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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