You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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