genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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