Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
