you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize