You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
