plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
