My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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