My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
