how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
