I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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