Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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