Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
