he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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