Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
