Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
