im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
