In the future we'll all be gay
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
