I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
