Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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