I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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