Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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