I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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