your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
