This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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